Just Breathe
by thedragonhorse
Summary: A widow of a pilot slowly learns it's ok to live and love again.
1. Chapter 1

Some people call it their 'moment,' a moment of clarity and the big turning point of their life. They make it out to be some big significant event that you couldn't possibly miss, which I think is unfair. Upon reflection, tracing an accumulation of events back far enough to that 'moment' may make it seem like a flash of inspiration, but it's really not that obvious to you when it actually happens. It's a quiet thought, one you've been holding in your subconscious, waiting for the time where you'll accept its promise of hope. It has tried to surface before and was rejected, but it is that one time where it is finally looked upon as possible, and not ridiculous, that becomes the 'moment.' You don't realize this is your turning point. Nothing happens right away. But you begin to make different choices. Not drastic ones, just things like avoiding an argument by keeping your cynical opinion to yourself, or letting yourself enjoy the beauty of the night sky without cursing it and what it took from you. Well, what it took from me, anyway. It is only years later when you have come out the other side that you can look back on your choices and see the path you've walked. And finally breathe and move forward.

* * *

"Wait, wait, no, go here. Yes, that's it! Now practice that on your own, I'll be right here if you need me." Outwardly I'm the nicest, most patient teacher, inside I'm screaming with impatience and swear words no one will ever hear. Probably a good thing. I straighten my back from leaning over the poor soul I was inwardly chastising and hear my body crack and loosen.

"Ow, you should get that taken care of."

I turned around to find Commander Poe Dameron standing in the middle of my library's workstation area. I grinned and rolled my shoulders, creating even more cracking noises. He made a face. Happy to see I had grossed him out, I clasped my hands together in front of me and mentally switched gears. "What can I help you with today?"

"I need access to certain archives here at your library, but I kind of need a bit of privacy." I paused and chewed my lip, thinking of options. I knew he did classified work all the time, so really the only private workstation was my own. "Let's set you up in my office, I'm pretty busy out here this morning so I won't need it for a while." Leading him into my office, I pulled out a chair for him and leaned over and opened up the archive database. "Are you okay from here? I'll be in the other room if you need help."

"I can do this. You can go back to work." I watched as he tried to nonchalantly take in the massive amount of archaeological artifacts in my hoarder's paradise of an office. There was barely enough room for the chair to swivel in a circle, and shelves from floor to ceiling were packed to the edges with books and statues. I felt comfortable there, but it made some people claustrophobic.

"You _are_ my work." I smiled. "Have fun and stay out of my folders or I won't be so nice to you next time." I patted his droid's head as I walked out. BB-8 was always adorable.

I spent the rest of the morning shuffling from person to person, occasionally peeking in on Poe. He seemed very into whatever he was researching, and really good at using the databases. Finally it seemed to slow down and people had to return to work after their lunch breaks. I could finally get some food for myself.

"Commander, I have to eat or pass out. Are you almost done or should I show you how to lock up?"

He sat back and stretched his arms over his head, then lowered them to thread his fingers through his hair. The simple act reminded me of Lance, the way he would let his hair fall through his fingers, and how he would give me that relaxed-I-want-you look. The one I would never see again. My breath caught in my throat, and I couldn't breathe, the painful memory blocking any thought process. I grabbed the chair next to me for support and watched the tunnel vision close in. The tears started pushing against my eyelids. Wow, that hadn't happened in a long time. Breathe. Deeper. Hold it in. Exhale. This was not working.

Poe was oblivious. BB-8 was not. The droid let out a concerned beep and rolled over to me. My heart melted a little that a droid would notice my distress, but I wanted to hide my problems, not air them out to the world. Poe had turned his head to watch our interaction, but didn't say anything. "It's fine BB-8, don't make a big deal of it," I whispered through my constricted throat. I needed to get away from Poe immediately or this was going to become awkward. "Nevermind, hit the big button on the wall, then close the door behind you." I left before he could utter a response and stopped around the corner of the building. There I let it loose, the huge wet sobs that released the emotions I was holding in. Luckily it didn't last long, so I quickly wiped my face and rose from my crouch on the ground.

I headed for the cafeteria. Lack of food had to be the reason that little anxiety attack snuck up on me. Picking up my favorite comfort food (which means anything they were currently serving without nutrition) I sat down at one of the long empty tables. Halfway through my trance of shoveling the plate of food into my mouth, a huge frothy smoothie appeared above my plate. I immediately wrapped both of my hands around the cup and pulled it against my chest. Looking up, I see Poe standing over me. "For me?" I ask.

Poe chuckled. "With an expression like that on your face, I would be a horrible person to say no. But yes, it's for you. It's full of vitamins and healthy crap. Drink up."

I took a big gulp and smiled at my cup. "Best thing to happen to me this month."

"You gonna tell me what happened back there?"

My smile disappeared. "Nope."

A thought suddenly occurred to me. "Can I still keep the smoothie?"

He smiled, nodded, and sat down across the table from me. We sat in silence while I devoured my food. I glanced up at him. He was quietly watching me, but had this thoughtful look on his face, probably rating how awful my tear stained face looked. I leaned back in my chair and proceeded to finish off the drink, staring back at him wondering how this conversation was going to go.

"Are you seeing someone?" He finally asked, breaking the quiet.

"Oh yeah," I said waving my hand in the air dismissively. "I'm fine, I only go every once in a while now."

His face was a mask of complete confusion, his eyebrows raised and creased together.

I leaned forward a hair. "Therapist? For grief counseling? You're thinking I'm a little nuts, right? Everybody does."

His face relaxed and I watched him give an almost imperceptible mental shake. "No, seeing someone as in a relationship."

"Oh. OHHH." I truly hadn't seen that coming. No one had asked me that in years. "I guess not. I mean, no, not at all. Not for a long time," I responded, almost whispering the last sentence.

"Ok," Poe said with a serious face. He stood up. "I've got to get going, I'm leaving on another scavenger hunt for the General in a few hours. Try to eat better."

I sat there a little stunned as I watched him walk out. What was that? Did he ask as part of conversation? Was he interested in me? If so, then why end the conversation and leave? Did I scare him away with the therapy admission? I was at a total loss. I finished up my drink and went back to my library to finish the day. And fight the usual depressing feeling that comes after I am reminded I'm alone.

* * *

Poe watched Cora walk back to the library. He really did have to leave, and he had wanted to stay longer to talk to her, but he had gotten a gut feeling he needed to give her space to process this step. They all had grief in their lives, it was a part you had to accept when you worked in the Resistance, it was war. Either she couldn't handle it well or something specific had happened to give her the reputation of being a crazy recluse. He needed to find out. What people had rumored about her didn't seem to match the upbeat, sassy attitude he had witnessed all morning long. The way she easily bantered back and forth between all the different species in their own languages as she helped them was not only amazing to watch, but had stolen his concentration completely away from the research he had been trying to finish. It had taken him twice as long as it should have to get it done.

Entering the General's office, Poe instantly became more formal. "Reporting for duty," he said to her. Leia looked excitedly at him and pulled a star map up for them to look at. Poe already knew where he was headed, he had studied the planet earlier. But Leia had additional plans for him.

"I'm having you take a long route to avoid some First Order activity we have detected. I'm sorry but it's the safest way to keep anyone from associating you with this base."

"Not a problem General. I agree." After going over who and where he was supposed to contact, she deactivated the star chart. Their briefing finished, Poe switched to a more relaxed tone with Leia. Despite their professional relationship, their trust in each other had allowed them to form a friendship. "What's the story on Cora the Library Director?"

Leia frowned. "Cora is an incredibly important part of my research team. Many of your missions are a direct result of her findings. She's been here a very long time." Leia smiled. "I brought her and her husband with me from Coruscant on one of my initial scouting trips for this base. They were both so dedicated to our cause, much like you are, Poe." Leia paused, sadness clouding her face. "Lance was a pilot. And like many pilots, as you well know, one time he didn't come back from a mission. She was devastated, and we nearly lost her too." She stopped talking and pinned Poe with a harsh glare. "We got her back from the edge, and I do mean the very edge, so don't put her there again. She's too important to the Resistance. I can tell what your intention was by the way you're trying to shrink away from me now. Think carefully about what you do next."

* * *

Rook looked back at me over her shoulder. "Hey girl, what's up?" She turned back and I watched her head disappear into the x-wing's belly. I wasn't sure how to approach the subject with her, and suddenly felt nervous.

"Would it be ok by now to think about dating someone?" I asked.

She stopped moving. I watched her for a few very long seconds before prompting her again. "What do you think? You can't hide in that engine forever, you know."

"I can try," came the muffled reply. Rook slowly crawled out and crouched down on the ground to face me. "Do you feel like you want to? I'll say that plenty of time has passed that you don't have to worry about it being too soon in other people's eyes, even mine. But is it something you want? And what brought this on?"

"I don't know, it was just a question. Someone asked me if I was single, and it got me thinking about my situation."

"Someone asked you out?"

"Actually, no. It was part of a conversation. I guess. I said I wasn't seeing anyone, and it got me to thinking of whether I even wanted to be with someone again." I sat down on the ground with her. "I'd really like to have sex again. I'm not sure in what context, like a one-nighter or a friends that fuck sort of arrangement."

She let out a sigh and leaned back on her hands. "You are not the sort of one night stand person, you are just too damn curious about people and their habits. You wouldn't be able to let it go."

"So I go the friend route? Will that work? People really do that?"

"Well, think that through. Eventually that friend may decide they want a more permanent situation, or they find another friend they want too." She looked at the ground. "Or you may decide you like them more than a friend."

I stood up. "Nevermind. I don't know what I was thinking." I looked up to the clear sky and slapped myself with guilt at even considering being with another man. It was an easy, familiar feeling to create. I'd been making myself feel guilty for years.


	2. Chapter 2

It was late. The hum of the night animals' conversations outside was penetrating the silence in my little trailer. I yawned with my head supported on one hand, the other pointing down at the glass screen on my desk as I scrolled to the top of my email list. I perked up when I saw one from General Organa. These were usually interesting. I opened it quickly, and I was not disappointed. She had finally granted me permission to go off-planet and do one of my research studies, if only for a few weeks. This was just what I wanted, like a vacation. She also mentioned she was giving Poe Dameron a key to the library so he can access it after hours since his missions have him leaving at all different times of day. Apparently she has liked some of the intel I had dug up as much as I did. I smiled at the screen, pleased I have helped in her search for ancient Jedi temples. Closing the machine down, I took a moment to look around my office, this tiny trailer that had been converted into a library and tech station for the Resistance members on this base. It was my home too, as I had made the original storage section into a bedroom and tiny living space. In the few years I had been here, I had still managed to collect a ridiculous amount of junk. A lot of it would go to Coruscant for museum display when it was safe enough for me to get back to my university office, my second identity. This trip Organa approved may give me more information than artifacts, but still just as valuable. I reached my hand to the nearby shelf and picked up one of my favorite pieces. I stroked my finger over the wings of a statue of a creature in mid-flight, reminiscing the feeling I got in the instant an aircraft lifted into the air, pulling away from the forces of the ground. I missed flying. I missed a lot of things. Recognizing the hopelessness that washed over me, I realized I was depressing myself. I put the statue back on the shelf, turned off the lights and went to bed.

I woke with a start. I heard a faint shuffle on the floor near my office and the beep of my workstation coming to life. "Shit Poe," I say loudly, as I recognize his angular profile and messy hair in the glow of the monitor. His head snapped towards my voice in the darkness. Guess I startled him too.

"Sorry, didn't mean to wake you-wait, why are you sleeping there?"

"I always sleep here," I mumbled. "Well, I start out in bed, but end up here on the couch. My quarters are attached to the library. Why are _YOU_ here?"

"Oh. Um. I have to go somewhere kind of suddenly. I needed to know a few things first."

"Ok. Knock yourself out." I rolled over and pulled the blanket over my head.

The weeks flew by, and I planned my mini-research vacation. I haven't visited these tribes in over a year, and I'm hoping I will be accepted again into their lives as completely as I had left them last time. I sat down to set up my office for my absence, when a message from Rook popped up. I can't contain myself, and whine in frustration.

"Troubles in paradise?" Poe asks from his chair in the tech center, leaning back at an angle destined to topple over backwards. There's no one else around, and I think he feels a little more relaxed about talking to me when we're alone. I suppose I do too, although it's not like we've had conversations that couldn't be broadcast to the entire base.

I sigh, and get up. I sullenly plop onto my couch and tell him. "I'm supposed to go on a research-vacation tomorrow and Rook was going to take me because she has some time off. But now she's stuck somewhere because her x-wing overheated or the wing fell off or something." Poe snickered at my description. "I mean, I get it, she didn't do anything on purpose. I'm just disappointed."

"I've got time off, I could take you."

I raised an eyebrow at him. "Not in your fancy x-wing you're not. "

"What does Rook take? I can fly whatever you need me to."

I rub my hands together thinking. This could work. I started getting excited. "Ok then. Let me get you the identification of the ship we use, and you can get it ready. We leave tomorrow morning for Y'dashka."

We met in the hangar the next morning as planned. Standing in front of the small transport ship, he looked at the pack I'm carrying on my back questioningly, one eyebrow raised. I know what he's thinking. "It's not a cushy vacation. I sleep in a tent outside for four weeks. Believe me, my tent is better than what these people live in! Don't worry, all you have to do is drop me off and pick me up at the rendezvous time.

"And leave you alone? Outside?"

I laughed. "Yes. They're wonderful beings, and I've stayed with them a few times before. They have great food too...I still have to figure out what it is I'm eating though."

We strap ourselves in and take off. Transports are such boring rides, but they get us where we need to go comfortably. After we jumped to light speed, he let out a breath and swiveled his seat around to look at me. "Now we just have to figure out what to do for fifteen hours."

"Well, I'd like to spend some of it sleeping," I responded. "It should be morning there when we arrive and I don't want to spend the first precious days sleeping away. But the rest of the time… I don't know, talk to each other?"

Poe gave me his intense serious look that I've come to think has too much energy behind it for regular conversation. "So tell me why you're going. We've got lots of time, so give me the long version." He unbuckled himself and pulled a shelf out to put his feet up.

"Well," I began as I unbuckled myself and slouched down in my seat, trying to balance out his serious face with my casual position. "Here's the deal. I am listed as a professor at a university on Coruscant. I even have a sort of office there, but it's more for storage of junk. Nobody knows that. You know I spend my days on D'qar working for the Resistance. But so far as anyone else would know if they investigated me, I am bouncing around the galaxy doing my job, which is to study and create database information on cultures no one has come into contact with. My official title is Cultural Anthropologist, but you all call me the mean library lady who shows you how to type."

"Huh." He looked up at the ceiling for a moment. "So you're more than just book-smart."

"Yes. I don't spend my life hidden inside databases waiting for you to ask me a question. That's only part of the way to understanding. You need to touch and feel and take part in rituals to really understand why they do them."

"Cora, you surprise me. I'm glad too. Life does need to be lived and experienced for yourself." He gave me a smile that warmed something deep inside me, and I started to feel a little bit of a connection with him. Not many people understood why I did the kind of research I did. Poe continued the conversation. "Who are we seeing this time?"

"Oh, you'd just love it. They are mostly naked all the time except for jeweled adornments they attach to their bodies at different rituals." I chuckled as his eyes lit up. "They're humanoid, but imagine what breasts look like after thirty or forty years of hanging with no support. I guarantee it's not a turn-on for us." I smiled. "But they're happy and anti-war, so it's important to not appear aggressive or they won't like you."

"Got it, don't say anything loud and don't look at their saggy breasts."

I laughed at him. "Easy mission, right? Drive me there, keep your mouth shut and your eyes straight ahead." I paused, suddenly uncomfortable and not knowing what to talk about next. I looked down at my hands, unable to keep eye contact. This didn't feel the same as meeting a new culture of people. The air felt charged, thick with silence, and increasingly uncomfortable for me. The two of us were stuck in very close quarters together, and I totally sucked at extensive small talk. Taking a chance, I glanced up to see what he was doing. Poe was in the same comfortable position, calmly watching me.

"Ok, what? Say something, I feel like you're watching me and waiting for me to do something interesting."

Poe gave a small smile. "I was trying to figure you out." He put his hand on the side of his face, the index finger pressing up towards his temple and his little finger resting just below his bottom lip. "See, you confuse me. I've seen you a lot lately, and you're incredibly smart and can communicate with so many people in their own tongue, which puts them at ease. You know so much about far off planets that you've probably never been to. And this little adventure today you're beyond excited about. But back home you only leave your quarters and the library to get food and go straight back. You're known as quite the recluse, you know."

Slightly ashamed, I bobbed my head in agreement. "I-I don't want to form relationships with anyone. The few I have are about all I can handle. I like the little bubble I live in because I'm an introvert and don't trust people easily. You are not, you're cheerleader boy for the Resistance, everyone knows who you are. I don't know if you can understand what it's like."

Poe continued to look at me, but now he wasn't smiling. "You know," he said,"you can be a bit of a cheerleader yourself. I keep people pumped about our cause, make sure their adrenaline is moving so they can look past their fear and risk their lives. You boost their confidence even when you know they aren't going to remember a thing you've taught them that day. You make everyone feel smart and that they've accomplished something." He leaned forward. "I'll let you in on something. I know a lot of people, but very few really know me. We aren't so terribly different."

I absorbed this. "Ok." I kicked off my shoes and pulled my knees up to my chest. "Tell me something real then."

"I could talk about how I like to fly?" He was all of a sudden happy and bouncy.

"Noooooo! I don't want to hear it. You pilots can't manage a single conversation without bringing your plane into it. I've heard it all." I rested my head on my knee, getting into a more comfortable position. "Tell me about the big questions, life, death, sex, love, what's it all about?"

"Ah. Hard stuff. I think it varies by individual. What do you think?"

"Look at you, avoiding the question." I thought about the people I was going to see in a few hours. "So sex and love and how one interprets them can vary widely. The tribe I'm seeing this week separates sexual expression completely from love, and never mixes the two. Sex is a sort of religious experience with their version of a god or creator or force. They see orgasm as connecting with that force, foreplay as helping each other reach that ultimate joining. They don't have sex with their life partner. Ever."

"Hmm, so maybe my next one night stand I can explain as wanting to connect with the Force?" He grinned, and I knew he was only half joking.

"Yeah, you go ahead and try that, let me know how it goes," I replied, rolling my eyes. "How have you explained it to them in the past? I've never done that, so I have no idea."

He sat quietly for a quick moment, then spoke. "I don't discuss it with them. Most of the time it's casual, we both just need to feel close, and the next morning or sometimes just a half hour later we go back to whatever we were before."

"Do you recycle? I mean, do you have repeat partners or favorite ones?"

He choked out a laugh. "Recycle? That's a good one. Yeah, I go back to some. So you're not going to have some kind of opinion of me now?"

"No, it's just interesting to hear. Some pilots are like you and live for the moment, some have specific loved ones at home."

"So what about you? You said you were single, so what are you after when it comes to the big questions?" He looked seriously interested, which was a strange experience for me. No one had ever thrown back my questions at me actually wanting an answer. I even felt like I wanted someone to know. Something about the way his eyes were so serious, almost hungry for information about me made it so easy to want to open up.

Taking a shaky breath, I looked away from his gaze. "Um. Well. I'm not sure I know what I'm after at this point. I've done the love thing. Check that off my bucket list. I have a job I love. Check that off too. The only thing that keeps me going each day is the research for General Organa and some of the cultures I haven't finished exploring. I spend most of my time alone, which may seem to be what I want, but it's not. I used to do things, but fighting depression every minute is exhausting. Most of the time I just feel like I'm done. Check 'had a life' off the list too."

Feeling like I had spilled my guts enough, I raised my gaze to his and pushed the conversation back on him. "I've told you too much. Your turn. It's only fair."

Poe looked at me without speaking for several minutes. "I honestly don't know where I stand right now. This war, this 'resistance' has been my whole focus until recently. But I can feel the General pushing me towards more responsibility, to take care of more than just my squadron. I don't know if I want that, or if I don't even have a choice. I haven't given much thought to my own future, but talking to you, not just now but these past few weeks, has me reevaluating the way I've been living. I've told you more than I have told anyone in years. It's very weird for me to think about making future plans."

"It's a little weird for me too. I never talk about myself to others." I stood up. "I'm going to try and sleep. Thank you for sharing thoughts with me, it makes me feel a little less alone before I spend weeks with beings i can barely communicate with." Suddenly hit with a feeling I could only describe as affection, I bent over and kissed the top of his head like a toddler and headed for my nap.

* * *

Poe watched Cora prepare for her disembarkment from the corner of his eye. She had transformed into someone else, not speaking, and very focused on her data pad. Then she sat on the cold metal floor and began to meditate. He didn't dare interrupt her, he could feel the aura change around her. As he piloted the ship into the planet's atmosphere for final descent, he realized he would actually miss her. It was different somehow, knowing she wasn't going to be working her days on D'qar and not there to visit when he came back from missions.

Cora pulled her pack onto her back and headed down the ramp to where two humanoid beings were waiting for her. She walked up to the female with a big smile and embraced her. "Jam-Jam! Poko, Poko." She turned to the male and pressed her hands together with a deep nod, obviously not as personal and more formal. She gestured toward him standing on the ramp and said "Poe." The two pressed their hands together and nodded to him, and he responded in kind, realizing Ayla had given him the opportunity to interact with a tribe he had never encountered. He had been with other different beings on his missions and travels, but this seemed so much more serious, since she was actually recording and evaluating all of it in a report later.

Cora walked back towards him and stopped at the end of the ramp. "Thanks for the ride. Make sure someone picks me up!" She gave the biggest smile he had ever seen on her, and walked away into the woods with her companions.


	3. Chapter 3

Poe worked it out. Rook was still stuck out on her last mission, and he wanted to pick Cora up. He had traded and bribed a few people in order to get these few hours away before his next mission. He landed the ship in the same spot he had been when he dropped Cora off, but as he walked down the ramp, he was met by an unfamiliar male. Poe pressed his hands together in greeting, happy he had learned a little bit to communicate. The male turned and walked toward the forest, stopping once to look back at Poe. This started a tightening in Poe's chest, and Poe realized he was supposed to follow.

They walked for about fifteen minutes. The path opened up to a large clearing, and huts made of varying materials like mud, straw, or trees were scattered in no particular order around the perimeter. The male led Poe into the woods a little further to what was obviously Cora's tent. As he approached he could smell a sick stench. The door flaps were open and he poked his head in. Cora was lying on the ground clutching some kind of dried gourd bowl. Her skin was so pale, and she looked at him with glazed eyes. He dropped to the ground next to her. "Oh Cora, what happened? Why didn't you send us a message?"

"Food poisoning I think. Two days ago. Wasn't so bad yesterday. Today you were on your way," she croaked out weakly. "Can't stop vomiting." As if to prove it, she leaned into the bowl and threw up.

Poe put his hand on her back until she finished, then moved the bowl away. He pulled her to a sitting position with considerable trouble as she moaned and cried about the movement. He needed to get her back to the ship. His chest constricted a little more with worry as he lifted her into his arms-she felt like a feather, she had lost so much fluid. He tried to keep her awake as he walked, asking about her gear, were things packed up, and so on. She didn't talk, but at least grunted and nodded in response. He decided to lay her on the floor of the lavatory room. He brought in a blanket and tried to get it under her body as best he could, then went back for her gear.

Jam-Jam was waiting for him at the tent. She wordlessly handed him a leaf with a purple tentacle on it, then motioned with her hand imitating an eating motion. Poe hoped he understood, but it seemed like she was showing him what had made Cora sick. He smiled at her and took the leaf, then packed up the tent and got back to the ship as fast as he could.

When he got the ship into light speed, he went to check on Cora. She was still on the floor where he left her. He tried to rouse her, but got no response. She must have fallen asleep or passed out from dehydration. He knew there were hydration bags on board, and she needed them badly. He looked at her clothes, and realized that not only would he have to get her shirtsleeves up somehow to get the needle into her vein, but that it was soaked with vomit. There was no way he was going to spend fifteen hours with that shirt. This was not going to be fun.

Poe went through her pack and found what would pass for a clean shirt, and had sleeves short enough to be able to attach the hydration bag to her vein in her arm. Now he had the uncomfortable task ahead of him. She was going to be mad later, but she needed the fluids. He awkwardly started pulling her shirt up her torso, then realized it was stuck to her skin. With blood. As he carefully peeled the fabric away, he began to see it was a pattern of metal bits embedded into her skin, much like he had seen on Jam-Jam. As he got the rest of the shirt off, he realized she had covered most of the new adornments herself with tape and gauze, which seemed to be healing just fine except for a few areas where the blood had seeped through and dried to the shirt.

He knew instantly what she had done. He had seen the same pattern on Jam-Jam when he met her. But the tribal female's adornment had been healed for obviously years. Cora's was only a few days, possibly only hours old. Small gold chips had been embedded into her skin in a spiral pattern, which started on her side at the bottom of her ribcage and finished with a small spiral below the collarbone. The entire area was purple with bruise, but it would probably be very beautiful when it healed. Poe swore under his breath and got up to get more supplies. He returned and washed off the dried blood, then reapplied her disinfecting cream. He stared at the mess, and muttered a few harsh words at her unconscious form. It wasn't that he objected to what she had done, but his own realization that his stomach was tight with worry, and he had the sudden need to protect her from pain. He pulled the shirt he had selected over her head, and wrapped the hydration bag around her arm, activating the self injector. Relieved he was done, he sat back against the wall and looked around. What a mess. Medical supplies and bodily fluid-soaked fabrics lay all over the room, and his insides felt torn apart with these new feelings of primal protection. He took a deep breath and picked it all up. With a glance back at Cora, he left the room to dispose of it all.

About an hour later, Poe could hear Cora dry heaving again. He ran into the lavatory to see she was still unconscious. He lifted her into his arms and tilted her forward to prevent her from choking, and began shaking her to wake her. She opened her eyes slightly and drew in a huge breath, then proceeded to throw up into the toilet again. This went on intermittently for the rest of the trip, and Poe eventually made himself comfortable on the floor and held her to his side so he could help her when she heaved, and could replace the fluid bag when it was empty. She stayed awake, but he wasn't sure how much she was really aware of. At one point, Cora looked at him with wide, unfocused eyes and mumbled, "You're so full of life. I can see it. I'm going to go before you." Poe held her tight against him. "No, you're not. You're just dehydrated and loopy." He felt a huge weight lifted when he heard the alarm from the cockpit go off, signaling their arrival to D'qar.

Two hours later he was in his flight suit, preparing his team for their practice mission. As he flipped the switches to power up his x-wing's engines, he took a moment to settle his nerves. Not having slept in twenty-four hours and dealing with Cora had made him a little shaky. He reminded himself that she was fine, just very dehydrated, and he would check on her when he came back in a few days.

* * *

I stiffly rolled out of bed. I was determined to take a shower today if it killed me. There was crust all over my side from the medicine they had glopped on over the piercings, and the rest of me hadn't been really clean in a while. I stepped under the water and felt the sting as it washed down my body. I really hoped I wouldn't regret my new body modifications. Participating in the rituals was the most exhilarating work I had ever done.

I managed to put clean clothes on and climbed back onto the bed. I was still utterly exhausted, but I hoped I would be able to get back to work in a day or so. It wasn't like I had a physically strenuous job, I could sit in a chair all day. As I was fading back into sleep, I heard a faint knock on my door. Somehow I pulled myself awake and made it to the door. I opened it to see Poe standing there. I stared at him for a moment of horror, then closed the door.

"Cora, please open the door, what's wrong?" he said.

"I'm horribly embarrassed," I said. "I am so sorry you had to deal with me like that, it must have been so disgusting. I can't look at you."

Poe turned the door handle and pushed it open. "Then let me look at you so I can see you're ok."

I gave in, mostly because I didn't want to be a jerk. "Come in. I'm ok." I turned and walked back to the bed. I just didn't have enough strength to keep standing there after all the activity I did earlier.

Poe followed and sat in a chair near the bed. I pushed my pillows so I could sit up and talk. "Tell me what happened," he said.

"Well, I had a great time, got lots of stuff recorded, and we all got along really good. They had a ritual celebration scheduled two nights before I was supposed to leave, which is why I wanted to go when I did. They asked me to participate, which was amazing." I looked at him sternly. "Just so we're clear, I did not join in their activities to connect with their gods, if you're thinking of our conversation before you dropped me off. But I did do the body piercings, or whatever you want to call it."

"From what I saw it was more mutilation, but I'm sure it looks better when it's healed."

I stared at him silently for a moment. "You saw?"

He looked down at the floor. "Yeah. Now it's my turn to be embarrassed. You were a mess and needed fluids so I had to do something." He rubbed one hand along the side of his face. "Tell me the rest."

"Hmm. We had a big feast, and I either ate something bad or incompatible with my human digestive tract. It started making me sick that night, but I didn't stop puking. I took all the meds I had with me but they didn't work. I knew someone was picking me up the next day, so I decided to just wait since getting a message to the base would be risky. I remember you carrying me back to the ship, but the next memory I have is waking up in the infirmary. Now you fill me in."

Poe looked at the floor again. "Please don't feel weird. Because I don't." He looked up and into my eyes. "You had thrown up all over yourself. I couldn't hold you over the toilet and not vomit myself, plus I needed to get the hydration bag attached to you, so I had to get you into cleaner clothes. There was so much blood when I got your shirt off, I had to take care of the piercings. I'm sorry if this makes you feel violated in some way, but I wasn't enjoying myself, I was mostly trying not to puke along with you."

I closed my eyes and put my hand over them. "You had to hold me over the toilet? Oh, that is worse than you seeing me naked. Naked and vomiting. No, I'm not feeling violated, well, maybe a little, but I'm back to being horribly embarrassed. I obviously didn't intend for all that to happen."

Poe reached over and grasped my hand. "I know. Just remember that I am glad it was me instead of a stranger that picked you up. It very nearly was, and I had to leave as soon as I got you back. I'm glad you're getting better." He stood up and let go of my hand. "Are we ok? I think you should get some sleep."

I tilted my head and gave him a lopsided smile. "I guess we're ok. Give me a while to digest all this and deal with it. Lock the door on your way out, if Rook ever comes back she has her own key."

* * *

_AN: So... this chapter was a little awkward for me. The intent was to show the change in Poe's feelings from just liking Cora to realizing he really cares about her. After so many rewrites, this was what remained. But enough about this one-on to better chapters. _


	4. Chapter 4

A soft shuffling noise woke me. I tensed under my blanket on the couch. The small nightlight lit up the outline of a figure I had grown to know well. Without turning on any lights, Poe made his way to the end of the couch. Testing the blanket to make sure he wasn't going to sit on my feet, he slowly sat down and laid his head back, his neck arched just enough to make the bones in his neck stand out.

"What's the occasion?" I murmured softly.

He sighed but didn't answer. I took that to mean he didn't quite know what to say yet, so I waited in silence. "Maybe this isn't right, I shouldn't be disturbing you," he said, and started to lean forward as if to leave. I stretched my foot down and pushed him back against the back of the couch again.

"I'm awake. If you just want to sit here, that's ok. If you want to talk, I'll listen. Something is obviously bothering you, so stay." This was not the upbeat energetic Poe everyone was used to seeing. This was obviously the other half, when his energy ran out, and I was touched he was letting me see it. I pulled another blanket from behind my head and threw it in his lap.

Poe covered himself, then put my foot back in his lap and rested his hand on my ankle. He took a deep breath. "I had a really, really close call today. I just need to shake it off and center myself again." I said nothing, because all I could think was that all his missions were dangerous enough to be close calls. That, and his hand on my foot. No one had touched me that casually in a long time, and it felt strangely comfortable.

I looked more intently at his profile in the low light. There seemed to be a little swelling on his cheekbone, and I was willing to bet he had a nice black eye building. It took a lot of effort not to touch the injury with my fingertip. He sat silently, and after a few minutes it was obvious he wasn't going to say anything more. I watched as his hand stroked my ankle and his face muscles twitched as thoughts ran through his mind. Eventually the movements became slower and intermittent. His breathing became deeper and rhythmic, and I could tell he had fallen asleep. Lucky him, I thought. I was never going to get to sleep, now that I was overcome with emotion-I had finally found someone I felt comfortable being around, and I suddenly realized I needed him in my life in some capacity, although at the moment I wasn't sure what that role was.


	5. Chapter 5

The day was showing its age. It was after dinnertime, and there was no one in the library but Poe. I'll give him credit, he did not hide his intention to end every day he could alone with me. Me, well, I am not as fearless. I've tried not to show how much I needed him be the last person I see that day. But today was an anniversary of sorts, and I knew I shouldn't face it alone. I stretched in my chair and shut down the computer. "Poe, I've got to close up. Do you have more to do or can I shut down everything?"

"Nah. I'm done. What are you up to tonight?"

I thought about it. Drinking depression away alone? Not the healthiest option. I took a big step in my mind. I could move forward. Or just try it, to see what it was like. "I'm going to reminisce. And celebrate. Wanna be with me?"

"Yeah!" He jumps up with more enthusiasm that I think necessary. It's cute.

"Come on. Let's hang out on the front porch."

"Porch?"

"Yeah, the flat part in front of my door that has a couple of chairs on it. I pretend it's cozy and magnificent."

I lead him past the couch and through the door that goes into my private part of the building. Stopping at the tiny fridge, I grab a couple beers and hand him one. Near the front door I bend down and pick up my guitar. Poe is watching silently, apparently taking in all the junk I've surrounded myself with in the tiny space. As I reach for the door handle, he stops me. "Do you mind if I play too? I see you have a guitar here by the window." I give him a sad smile as my stomach does flip flops. The poor instrument hasn't been touched in forever. It probably needs to celebrate too. I nod.

The sun has begun a slow descent and bathes everything in a soft orange light. I pick out a lazy, slow tune and he matches it. We play wordlessly for a while, until he breaks the silence. "So what are we celebrating?"

I smile, sadly. "The life of a pilot." Just saying the words out loud causes me to still my fingers. I stare blindly at the sun, letting the ache come. Poe watches me for a moment, understanding what I meant: the beginning, middle, and end of someone's life.

"Today?" He says softly.

"Yeah, five years ago."

"I see." He pauses. "So tell me, and we'll celebrate."

Taking a deep breath, still not looking at him, I tell the story of the love of my life. How we met, how he loved to fly, how I understood that love and knew my place. "I'm even here with the Resistance because of how strongly he felt." I stopped.

"So how did it end?"

"How it always ends with pilots. At least the ones here."

"And that's why you won't be friends with any of us who fly? Because we might die doing the dangerous things we do?" He scoffs.

"I avoid it because of the way the violent end affects me. Apparently I'm not equipped to handle it."

"But you're friends with Rook."

"Rook was his sister. We were friends before. It. Happened."

I can feel his frustration toward me. "Hey, I'm not saying it's healthy for me to be this way. I'm working on it. I mean, look at you! You've gotten to sit on the Ice Princess' porch. I see it as quite a big step for me."

He gave a short laugh, breaking his own tension. "You're not ice." His eyes smiled at me, then gazed back at the sun. He began strumming again, and started singing. I was mesmerized for a moment, then sat back and let his song wash over me. The words became more melancholy and I gave in to the sadness. Tears quietly ran down my face. When I realized it was going to be more than silent, I stood and walked quickly inside.

Poe continued playing. I knew he wasn't indifferent to what was happening inside me, and grateful he didn't react. I made it partway to my bed, but my legs gave out and I ended up in a ball on the floor. I could still hear him playing, and he switched to a more hopeful tune, but in my mind it still made me sad. When he finished, I heard him open the door and come in. He sat down next to me and put his arms around me, which made me sob those horrible silent sobs that drain your body. Kissing the top of my head, Poe held on until I was almost asleep. He picked me up and tucked me in bed. I was vaguely aware that he closed everything up and left.

* * *

Poe closed the front door of her room as quietly as he could. As he went to walk off her "porch" as she had called it, he met Rook coming up the stairs carrying a box of beers.

"Ooo, better you than me this time. Is she asleep?" Rook asked.

"Yeah. That was rough." He let out a heavy breath he hadn't realized he was holding in.

"It always is." Rook sat the box down and pulled two bottles out, handing one to him as she sat down. "I have faith it will get better someday."

"So, you've handled the loss of your brother a bit better as far as I can tell."

Rook didn't look at him, but gazed out into the dark. "I have my own way of dealing. I lose a lot of people, just like you do. Cora is different." Her eyebrows furrowed together as if deep in thought. "Cora hasn't been Cora in a long time. I see glimpses of her old self more often now, which may be due to the passing of time since she lost Lance or her inner resilience I know she used to have. Or it could be you and your persistence to be her friend despite the way she holds you at a distance." She smiled. "But you should have seen them together. They adored each other, never fought, spent every moment they could near one another. I've never seen a couple so incredibly comfortable or happy. They supported each other in every way, he got excited at all her discoveries on other planets. She loved flying with him."

Poe ran his hand through his hair and sat back. "How can I compete with that," he said not as a question but more as an observation.

Rook looked at him from the corner of her eye. "Don't compete. Just try to make her smile and happy again."

Poe raised his bottle towards Rook. "Let's toast then. To your brother and a good man."

Rook clinked her bottle on his and thoughtfully sipped her drink. "You're a good man too, Poe."


	6. Chapter 6

Someone was banging on my door. The persistent noise pulled me out of my sleep of the dead, and guilted me into opening the door a crack. "Normal people aren't awake this early, you know," I mumbled to the cheery face before me.

"Well, those are the boring people!" Poe replied, much too enthusiastically for me. "Put some warm clothes on and grab a jacket… Do you have a leather one? Never mind, you can wear mine, I'll use something else." Stunned and not awake enough to comprehend what was being asked, I watched helplessly as Poe ran through my room and pulled out clothes from my closet. Apparently satisfied he had everything, he pushed the pile of clothes into my arms and guided me into the bathroom. "Now go get dressed, I'll be right here waiting."

I watched the door to the bathroom close. I stood for a second and stared at it. What was going on? Giving in, mostly because I was curious, I pulled on the clothes and brushed my teeth. When I opened the door he was right there taking my hand and began leading me out and down my front steps. We walked in silence, which was fine with me because anything I usually say in the morning isn't very nice. I pulled his jacket tighter around me to keep out the chill of the morning air and it smelled like aviation gas and sweat. The scent was comforting, and I hated him a little for smelling so good in the morning when I am sure I am repulsive. When we reached the aircraft runway he started jogging toward a small plane. I guess it was a plane. There were wings and wheels and a propeller, so it had the important pieces that made things fly. Poe turned to me. "Do you trust me?"

"In that?" I thought for a split second. "I trust you in any aircraft, Poe." I started to understand what we were about to do, and the excitement started to build inside me. I hadn't been on any aircraft for fun in years. Transports were dull ways to travel, and you can't fit two people in an x-wing, or Rook would have taken me up long ago. I may not be a pilot, but I love to fly.

He directed me to sit in a seat behind him and put the straps around my body in a five-point harness. As he pulled the strap to tighten it all down on me, he gave me a serious look. "Are you ok with this? Just tap me on the shoulder if you get scared and I'll bring us right back down." I nodded and gave him a happy smile. Poe handed me headphones, hopped into the seat in front of me and put on his own harness. I looked around. There were no protective sides on this plane. Someone had basically welded together a bunch of pipes, put wings on top and two seats in front of the motor. It was the most basic thing i'd ever been in, but it was definitely made to experience the open air. The sun was beginning to bleed over the horizon, it's soft light diffused through the foggy morning air. Poe started the engine and we rolled onto the runway. The motor became much louder, and I was pressed back in my seat as we barreled along. Suddenly it was smooth, I felt the pull of liftoff in my stomach, and the ground fell away.

The wind pummeled my cheeks, and I watched the trees get smaller and smaller. I could see absolutely everything around me. We flew over forests and lakes, as the sun got brighter and burned off the fog. Realizing I must be comfortable since I hadn't tapped him on the shoulder to stop, Poe began making tighter turns, and dipped low towards the grasslands. It felt like we were going faster the lower to the ground we got, and I screamed in absolute joy as we buzzed the tops of the reeds, so close it seemed I could reach out and touch them. I made no noise, however, as the wind blew my shout right back down my throat. We pulled up and did it again over a lake, the ripples of the water going by in a blur.

We landed back at the airfield, which was still quiet and deserted. Poe helped me down from my seat, and I started to giggle as I put my arms around him in a hug. He held his arms around my waist, and steadied me as I leaned back and threw my hands in the air. "I'm so HAPPY!" I yelled, not caring who heard. Poe quickly lifted me up against him and swung me in a dizzy circle, while I squealed like a little girl. He set me down and I stepped away from him, still giggling.

"I was a little afraid you wouldn't enjoy it," he said with a laughing smile.

"Are you kidding?" I laughed. "I may never get in an x-wing fighter, but this thing was amazing! I haven't flown in years!" Realizing the reason for that suddenly sobered me. Seeing the change on my face, Poe quickly reacted.

"No no, stop looking back, don't ruin this for yourself. If Lance was as good of a guy as you've told me, you know he would want you to feel this happy from a flight. Think back to the grasses flying by. Remember that. And _just breathe_." He stopped talking and looked hopefully at me.

I closed my eyes and tried. I could see the reeds and feel the wind. I replayed it in my mind until I felt a weight lift off my shoulders and I let a smile form again on my face. It wasn't as enthusiastic as before, but it was almost guilt-free. Remembering to pull in that deep breath, I suddenly felt like I had taken another step towards sanity. And I was proud of myself.

* * *

_AN: The aircraft described here is actually a Breezy (google it to see a pic, you'll think I'm insane to fly in this). This chapter is the only way I can put into words what it's like._


	7. Chapter 7

I walked back to my porch carrying my steaming cup of coffee. It wasn't sunrise yet, but there was enough gray light to see. The animals on the planet were screeching their calls to one another, creating a beautiful roar. The morning mist was light today, but I could still feel it on my face. As I sat and sipped, I saw a figure out for a morning run. As it approached, I saw it was Poe. He was always popping up everywhere. He ran closer to me, and as he went by he called out. "Mornin' libary lady!" I gave him a tight smile and a finger wave. It was still way too early for me to be pleasant.

I watched him continue on his run. He fit really nicely into those shorts. I'll bet the muscles would be perfectly rounded and hard, just begging for my hand to slide across and smack-what the… I sat up in surprise at myself. Where did that thought come from? I felt a slow creeping warmth into my belly, and it wasn't the coffee. Did I just start to have feelings for someone? Ok, it was just sexual attraction, but… wow, was it strong... and exhilarating.

The next week we had the same interactions each morning. Every day the feeling became more solidified, and I came to accept it without guilt. It had been five years since Lance had died, and I had to start letting people into my life again. Poe had become a friend. It was a good start, I knew.

This morning Rook joined me for my coffee. As Poe ran by like usual, I waited until he was out of earshot. "I want him, Rook. At some point things changed and now I can't stop fantasizing."

"Good," she replied. "He wants you too."

"You think?" I gave her one of my scrunched up facial expressions. "Maybe he's just glad to be friends with a woman that doesn't want to get into his pants. I don't want to disappoint him if he's happy with what we have now."

"No, I'm sure. He hasn't had a single hookup since he started coming into the library when they cut off outside access to the databases. And… He made a vague comment to me on Lance's anniversary about not being as good for you as Lance was. I didn't say anything because I didn't want you to freak out. I wanted you to come to this point on your own."

"Huh." I took another sip of coffee. "I guess you do have to tiptoe around the crazy person." I put my arm around her shoulders. "Thanks for being so patient with me."

Later that day I was working in the General's office. I took a break and wandered through the halls alone. I heard footsteps and turned to see Poe coming down the aisle in his flight suit. He stopped in front of me. "Are you leaving again?" He nodded. I took a deep breath. "I'm going to miss you." I kept my eyes on his, waiting to see how he reacted.

"Really?" He said in the deepest softest voice I had ever heard him use. He continued to stand with his hands at his sides, not moving.

I stepped to him and wrapped my arms around his waist, laying my head on his chest. He put his arms around me, and kissed the top of my head, leaving his face in my hair. I snuggled my head harder against him,and he tightened his embrace around me. I lifted my head and looked at his face. We stared at each other for seconds that felt like hours, assessing each other's intent. "Are you ready for this? Can I kiss you?" He asked, his voice getting more gravelly and his eyes even blacker as his pupils dilated.

"Please," I whispered. He lowered his head slowly, waiting to see if I'd back away. His lips touched mine hesitantly, then became a soft kiss. I began to melt against his body, and he broke, fisting my hair in his hand, pulling my hips into his and crushing me against the wall. I lost all coherent thought, my legs turned to jelly as he plunged his tongue into my mouth.

We only had a few minutes before he had to leave. Why did we come to this point right now? There was no time to even get back to one of our beds. Poe grabbed my hand and pulled me down the hall, stopping in front of a door. Glancing both ways down the hall, he led me into a closet. Roughly pinning me to the wall with his mouth and hips, he slowly forced his tongue inside, erasing any thoughts that may have been lingering in my mind. He released me and bent down to one knee. I stood leaning against the wall as his hands slid down my thighs and snuck under the hem of my skirt. I looked down into his eyes and he was watching me with the blackest eyes I'd ever seen, and I knew how much he wanted me right then. I felt his fingers scrape up my inner thigh and he hooked a finger around the waistline of my panties. Panic seized me, and I stilled his hand with my own.

"Wait," I croaked out, squeezing my eyes shut. He went still as a statue, then began to back away. "No, please don't go-I said wait, not stop. Give me a couple seconds." I knew I could get past the exploding anxiety of being touched by another man. I had to. And I wanted it to be with this man, this beautiful soul that for some reason wanted my own broken one.

Poe leaned forward and nuzzled his face under the edge of my shirt, just above my navel. He pulled his hand away from mine and stroked my lower back, massaging my tense muscles. His hand moved lower and grasped my backside, pressing his face harder into my stomach. He slowly dragged his lips along the tender skin of my waist, creeping over my ribs until he was directly below my breasts. Changing speed, he moved faster as he dragged the tip of his tongue straight down my abdomen, stopping at the top edge of my panties to gently suck at my skin. My fingers threaded their way into his hair and I heard myself groan. Eyes shut and head tipping back, I hissed, "yesss."

Not risking another anxiety attack, Poe quickly resumed his previous path and pulled my panties down far enough to reach in. Licking his finger quickly, he slid it between my folds and moaned along with me. I gasped out loud as he moved his finger side to side, gripping his shoulders as I fell forward in a spasm. His finger moved further in, and I felt him slowly plunge deep inside me. "Show me where, show me where it is." His fingertip slid against my walls, watching my expressions until he seemed to find a spot he was searching for. He began pressing and rubbing the spot until I tipped my head back with a deep moan I couldn't control. "There it is, come on baby." His brought his other hand up, its thumb circling my clit at the same time, and I lost it. I dug my fingers in his shoulders and started shaking as I felt the orgasm grab hold. I couldn't help it, I cried out as it encompassed me, biting my lip in an unsuccessful attempt to be quiet. As I came down I started to softly sob. Poe removed his hand and sucked the wet from his finger as he stood to hold me.

"Shhhhh. I know that was a lot of emotion. Try to calm down." He held me tightly until my breathing evened out. Tipping my head back with a finger under my chin, he looked down at me and grinned. "That was great. I am really late. Let's do a little more when I get back."

"Oh hell, we're going to do a lot more," I said an gravelly voice. He kissed me hard, then opened the door. He looked both ways down the hall, then reached into his flight suit and readjusted himself.

"Uncomfortable?" I asked with a grin.

"You have no idea," he groaned. "This is going to be the longest three days of my life."


	8. Chapter 8

Poe didn't return in three days.

Week 1

I rolled out of bed with a smile on my face. I had this shiny new feeling and it was nice to wrap myself in its happiness. Days went by in a delirious haze, as I somehow had acquired patience for everyone and no one could seem to make me irritated. I fell asleep each night imagining Poe next to me, touching me, holding me.

Week 2

They sent word. The squadron had come across some unexpected trouble. This was ok, right? A little worrisome but nothing I'm sure they couldn't handle. A couple of dogfights, having to figure a new way home… it was fine. I couldn't wait to see him again.

Week 3

Was I remembering that whole closet scene right? Poe really wanted me, right? It wasn't some pity fingering fuck to help the old widow out. No, he seemed to really want it too. There was a lot of kissing at the beginning, so I must be nuts.

Week 4

It's been almost a month. The ache inside me is impossible to ignore. It takes so long to get out of bed. I'm worried. There's been no communication from him. Have a glass of wine, it'll help get me to sleep.

Week 5

What was I doing? How could I just let myself believe a hotshot pilot would want to stay with only me? He was the best-he could have anyone else in his life. I wasn't easy, I was a mess and difficult to deal with. Who would willingly take me on?

Week 6

Why would I assume he wanted a relationship? A committed relationship, at that. He lived for those screaming moments in the air, adrenaline pumping through his veins, g-forces pushing him into his seat. That was living in the moment. I didn't want a moment, I wanted a life. How could I ask that of him? I wouldn't. How could I deal with letting him have those moments with others? I couldn't. What have I done to myself? What if I led him on, and he just expects a fuck now and then?

Week 7

Nope, I don't need sex. I had a man, he died, and I'm done. He was my one and only, the one who I said I'd give myself to forever. Having sex with Poe would be like cheating, like doing it in front of Lance. It was disrespectful. Or not. Maybe it would be ok. But what if I sucked at it? Could I let myself enjoy it? This was terrifying. My mind is darting back and forth between cheating and rape. What kind of scenario am I imagining? Am I putting a personality on Poe that doesn't exist? Is he here just for sex? Maybe not. Maybe he is. Why isn't he here yet?

Week 8

Rook came over. I was almost through the entire bottle of wine. She stared at me judgmentally for a long time. Not that I cared. It was my life and I could do what I wanted, and I told her that. Then, well, I told her about Poe. And the closet. Stupid wine, lets my tongue tell everything. I told her my old friend Depression was visiting again. Stupid Depression wouldn't leave, like an old friend who overstayed their welcome again. She didn't find that funny. I did.

* * *

Week 9-Infamous Squadron Returns

Rook waited in the hangar. She stood and walked out on the tarmac as the squadron members walked away from their aircraft. Her steps got faster as she spotted Poe, and headed towards him. Just as she was within steps of him, her husband Rand appeared and grabbed her around the waist to stop her. He had seen the way she was targeting Poe, and knew from firsthand experience what was coming next, and he wasn't about to let her hit a superior officer. She strained against him and gave Poe a murderous glare. "You sonuvabitch. I said make her happy again, not throw her back into suicidal depression. You fix this, or.. or something…" Rook broke down, and turned around and left before too many people saw. Poe stood in shock, and Rand woke him with a slap to the shoulder. "Apparently things have happened since we've been gone."

Poe went through his debriefing with General Organa. It seemed to take forever, and Leia wasn't her usual friendly self. The entire mission had been long, dangerous and mixed with periods of boredom, which had only made him antsier because all he could think about was getting back to Cora. They had parted at a crucial point, and then weren't able to even communicate for weeks. Leia finished up the debriefing, then abruptly dismissed him. He was starting to feel like everyone was mad at him.

* * *

It was late afternoon, and most everyone had taken off work early to celebrate the return of Poe's squadron after the long mission. I closed up the library early, and sat on my porch. I have a pretty good view of most of the base buildings from here. I sipped cold tea as I sat. I knew Poe was back, and I knew the process he went through after a mission. He would have been occupied for some time by the General. My timing worked out, and I saw him exit the main building and head toward me.

He stopped at the bottom of my steps. "What the hell, Cora? Why is everyone mad at me?" he said tiredly.

I motioned for him to sit next to me. "Did Rook try to beat you up?" He nodded and sat down. "She has a tendency to do that." Seeing and talking to him made me feel a lot better, although I still didn't quite trust myself. "I'm sorry. She's been overreacting to my moods. I know she's scared I'll fall back to what happened when Lance died. Hell, I'm a little scared too, but I haven't yet." I paused, not sure how to continue. "You were gone so long I had too much time to think and doubt myself. I had a few too many nights of numbing my feelings and everyone saw it as a signal I was depressed again. I am, but if we can talk this through I think I'll be able to even myself out."

Poe looked at me with caring eyes. "Then let's figure this out right now. I've spent the last eight weeks dreaming about being with you. I'm not afraid to tell you how I feel now, because I think you have an idea. I need you in my life."

I looked at him silently for a few seconds. Tilting my head to the side and resting it against the chair, I laid it out to him. "I spent the first couple weeks dreaming about you too. Then I began to wonder if it was such a good idea to want someone so bad. I could handle Lance's absences because I was very secure in our relationship. It was solid, and we trusted one another. Never any doubts. But with you, I don't know if we're going to spend occasional nights together or every night we can. Will you visit the women you've made friends with on other planets again? Especially if you're gone for months at a time? All these things ran through my head, and without you here to answer them I got a little freaked out." I pulled my knees up to my chest to give me some security. "I worked myself up so much I was terrified of having sex again. The more I thought about it the more it felt like cheating on Lance. I know it's silly, but it's a fear that just grabs me. But at the same time I wanted you. I'm so messed up."

"Let me clear some things up for you then. I haven't so much as looked at another woman since I got to know you. I can't see the future, Cora. I'm a fighter pilot and the missions I go on are dangerous, much more so than what Lance did. If security is what you need, I can promise you that I will give this relationship everything I have. I knew from the beginning what I was getting into." He paused. "It's okay to still love Lance, honey. I think you know that. And I don't see myself as a second choice in your life, I am another chapter, and I am going to make sure this isn't the end of your story. But you have to deal with your fears." Poe stood back up and moved in front of my chair. "Is that all ok with you?"

I stared up at him. "Yes."

He let out a loud sigh, and I watched his shoulders sag. His facial expression changed, and brown eyes looked longingly into mine. "I missed you."

Something ached inside me at those words. I stood up and wrapped my arms around him, laying my cheek against the rough fabric of his jacket. "I missed you too." He hugged me back and breathed into my hair. We stood like this for what seemed like hours. Finally he pulled away.

"I have to get some sleep. Do you want me to go back to my room or stay with you?" Poe smoothed my hair down, waiting.

"I don't think I'm ready for you to stay here. Is that ok?" I wanted him, I really did. And the thought of him going so far away from me just when he got back was awful. Lance would probably give me a ghostly smack on the back of my head.

Poe kissed my forehead and stepped off the porch. "Yes, it's ok. I'm going to pass out from exhaustion in about five minutes anyway." He smiled and turned around.

"Wait-" I balled my hands into fists and pressed them against my temples. "That's not true, it's not ok. Please stay."

He stopped and considered me from the bottom of the steps. He came back up and gave me a firm kiss on the lips. "Nope. I'm going home to my own bed. I will not sleep if I stay with you," he said with a wink. He hopped back down the steps and bounced away with a smile on his face.

"Proud of yourself, aren't you!" I shouted to him as he got further away. He turned and walked backwards long enough to give me a grin.

* * *

_AN: We're nearing the end, a few more chapters... it's about to get steamy..._


	9. Chapter 9

_Thanks everyone who started following this story! It's almost over, just a couple chapters more. I keep writing the love scene over and over, each time telling myself, "no, too dirty, re-write again..." But we'll get there eventually. _

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Poe stood under the hot spray of water. He had finally washed away weeks of grime from his skin, but didn't want to leave the comfort of the warm water. The shower room was empty, his debriefing had taken so long that everyone else had been and gone. He braced his hand on the wall in front of him and bent his head down, letting the water hit the back of his neck and shoulders. As he closed his eyes, he let the anxiety and grief fill his chest, taking away his breath momentarily. Images from the mission filled his mind, and he let them come, dealing with each one separately. This was his reboot time, where he needed to process the death and fear in order to continue on with his life. When he felt he had compartmentalized it enough, he let his thoughts turn to Cora. Their interaction a few hours ago had not been what he had hoped for, yet he understood people processed emotions differently, especially her. She seemed to him like a glass cup that had been shattered but glued back together. Things would press on her cracks but she seemed to be pushing back and reglueing with a genuine attitude that things would be better again. But he knew he needed to back off and not rush her through this big step she would be taking.

He reached out and turned off the water, wishing he could relieve himself of his sexual tension. There wasn't enough privacy here, and really he was just too damn tired. He looked down and wondered how it could still have so much energy when the rest of him was about to collapse. He wrapped a towel tightly around his waist and walked back to his room. One of the perks of being an officer was he only had to share a room with one other officer, who was currently on duty. Poe crashed onto his bed, falling asleep seconds after his head hit the pillow.

Hours later Poe woke up. The room was still dark, empty and silent. Without realizing what he was starting to do, he slid his hand down and began to stroke himself, imagining how soft Cora would be around him, how her body would arch to his touch, the memory of the taste of her on his finger after she came in the closet that day. The thoughts circled in his mind until he came, coughing his orgasm moans to keep anyone from hearing. He was shaking, and overwhelmed for a moment with the need to be with Cora. For months now, he could only think of her, the time spent talking with her, watching her, and wanting to be close to her. It was a dangerous distraction, but one he had no way of giving up. He needed to see her every day, a longing he had never felt so strongly before. Even now, it felt like she was too far away from him. Making a decision, he cleaned himself off and pulled on clothes.

* * *

I woke up as usual around 2 am. I made my way to my couch in the library, only to discover Poe spread out on it. I sat on the edge, pushing him over to make room. He didn't open his eyes, but wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me down against him. "This isn't what I had in mind," I said.

"Mmmmhmmmm" he mumbled into my hair. It just felt too good to leave. I pulled the blanket over both of us and closed my eyes. When I woke in the morning he was gone.

For an entire week now, I have been finding Poe on my couch when I make my middle of the night transfer from bed to couch. Each night I give in and slide next to him. He never makes a move, other than to wrap an arm around me. But tonight as I wandered into the room, the couch was empty. Not quite sure what it was I was feeling, I laid down and tried to go back to sleep. I laid there until morning, tossing around and never calming down enough to sleep. The whole point I had started moving to this couch at night was that sleep evaded me in my own bed.

Hours later in the day, I was hunched over my desk with dark circles under my eyes and two pots of coffee in my stomach. I looked up as the door opened, and Poe came bouncing in. "You have ruined my sanctuary," I told him with a glare. "I can't sleep on my couch anymore."

He smiled a little too happily. "I brought you a smoothie."

I reached greedily for the cup, but he danced just out of reach. "Admit to me you like sleeping next to me first."

I scrunched up my face. "Fine. I like it. And apparently can't sleep without you on the couch now." Poe smiled a toothy grin and handed me the drink. Brat.

That night I woke up in bed. I considered if I should bother even getting up since I obviously wasn't going to fall back asleep on the couch. But maybe, just maybe he was out there. I stared at the ceiling, dissecting my feelings. Life, death, love, sex, what was it really all about to me? I was happy with my life, I enjoyed my work and where and who I did it for. I had faced the death of a loved one and tried to join him. I had loved… Could I do it again? Should I? It seemed unfair that I should get to love more than once when so many never get the chance. And finally sex-gods I wanted it. I know it's a physical need, but Rook was right, I can't do it without knowing the person intimately. I am starting to forget exactly how Lance would touch me. I used to use the memory to help myself orgasm alone, but I had even stopped that for a couple of years. Had it really been years? Maybe I had really gone as cold as everyone said behind my back.

I got up and went to my tiny fridge. I reached in and brought out a cold bottle of wine. I poured a glass and sat at the table contemplating my choices, past and present. I drank the glass quicker than I probably should have, but it soothed the dark panic that was trying to take me down. I needed a clean start. It had to begin soon.


	10. Chapter 10

_AN: So, um, this is the 'mature' chapter... _

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The door was cold against my forehead. I stood there until it warmed, trying to settle my nerves. I'd heard Poe come in earlier, so I knew he was sleeping on the couch again tonight. Not that hearing him had been an accident, I had been listening intently for hours. Just knowing he was there again warmed my heart. Reminding myself that it meant he truly cared about me gave me the kick I needed to open the door.

The darkness of the room was cut by the light from the numerous power buttons of the electronics in the room. I could see his form on the couch in the dim glow, on his back with an arm thrown above his head. There was suddenly no doubt what I wanted, and I was able to calmly walk over and lay down next to him. He shifted to his side so I could fit on the cushions with him, but I didn't turn around this time to let him spoon me to sleep. I pressed my face into his bare chest, giving it a small kiss as I breathed in the smell of his skin. He wrapped an arm around me in a loose hug, and I dragged my fingertips down his ribs. He had become thin lately, and I could easily feel the bones.

Here was my big moment. I knew there was no turning back, and I was excited and scared. I pulled away from him and slid my hand down his stomach, traced the edge of material of his sleep pants, and dipped the very ends of my fingers into the waistband. I looked up at him. Poe was awake and looking at me, his eyes dilated in the dark but sparkling as they caught a little bit of light. He stroked my back with his hand, and as he went low enough to realize I wasn't wearing panties he grasped the hem of my shirt and pulled it up to expose the skin. He let go of the fabric and cupped my backside with a groan, involuntarily arching against me. I hooked my leg over his hips and pressed back. Poe flipped me onto my back and pinned me to the couch. I didn't have a chance to breathe before he kissed me. Every thought left my head, and my need surged as he slipped his tongue in, softly battling my own.

He pulled his head away. "Are you sure?" he whispered, his voice thick with emotion. I murmured my assent, and pulled his ass tightly against me with my hand. "Then we're not doing this here," he said. Grabbing my hand he pulled me up and back into my bedroom.

We stopped at the side of the bed, slightly nervous and a little scared (well, I was). Poe moved first and flipped my sleep shirt off, leaving me standing naked to his eyes. I almost felt self-conscious and started to bring my hands up to cover myself, but stopped. His eyes were feasting on me, his hands grazing my arms softly. With one finger he traced the path of gold chips in my skin to its end loop on my breast and brushed my nipple with a rough thumb. I drew in a sharp breath and felt a warm surge between my legs. He murmured sympathetically, and leaned down to encompass the hardened peak in his mouth. As he flicked it against his teeth with his tongue, my knees started to bend and he quickly pulled my waist against his, holding me still while he sucked and drove me to frantic moans.

"I promise you can come back to this," I gasped as I pulled his head away, "but let me do something first." Poe smiled and threaded his fingers in my hair. I tilted my head back a little to savor it, then slipped out of his hands and slowly pulled the waistband of his pants down, freeing his erection. I stood on my knees and touched him, lightly grazing his length with my lips but moving around to his backside. "I've been dreaming about this ass for months," I said, tickling the smooth skin with my tongue, sucking it and finally sinking my teeth into it gently. I stood up behind him and smacked the other cheek. He grunted in surprise.

That was apparently all he was willing to endure for the moment. Poe spun around and we fell on the bed together, tongues clashing and hands frantically trying to touch every part of one another. My hand cupped his balls and gently massaged them, making him whimper. His hands spread the wet skin between my legs apart and circled the sensitive area until he found a spot that made my hips arch off the mattress. We touched and tasted each other in a frenzy until I found myself unable to wait a second longer, and pushed him on his back.

I straddled him and wordlessly reached my hand out. He threaded his fingers through mine and helped me balance. I positioned him just barely inside me, closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Poe didn't move a muscle and waited. I opened my eyes and looked down at him. He had the most beautiful expression just then, part passion, unbelievable patience, and love.

"I love you Poe Dameron," I whispered. His eyes filled with relief and emotion, and I slid him in. I have no idea what he looked like at that moment, my eyes had involuntarily shut and I was unable to process anything except the feeling of him inside me. Still anchored by our clasped hands, I started to move and he put his other hand on my hip. Getting into a rhythm, I found a good angle and felt it start to build. After a few minutes I cried out in frustration, I just couldn't get it. Poe quickly began rubbing my clit with his thumb, making small adjustments until I flew apart. My body arched back, and I cried out, finally released.

"You are so beautiful like that," he remarked.

"I'm also exhausted," I countered. I fell down onto his chest and breathed heavily.

Poe wasted no time. He rolled us over and pushed himself in to the hilt. I couldn't breathe I felt so full. Keeping himself firmly inside he nuzzled my neck and said in a gravelly voice, "I love you too." We both smiled like idiots, and I let out a soft chuckle as I wrapped my arms around his head and hooked my ankles around his waist.

He began to move. Every stroke pushed quick gasps of air from me, and I felt the tension begin to build again. Responding to my need he pushed harder and faster until I finally cried out, arching myself upwards as my body tightened. I collapsed again, and was able to watch him lose control. His veins bulged in his neck as he growled out his orgasm, eyes tightly shut with a thin sheen of sweat on his skin. Breathing heavily Poe wrapped himself around my body possessively. He looked into my eyes, but said nothing.

After a few minutes of lying in silence, Poe spoke. "Wanna go flying with me tomorrow?"

I rolled my eyes and groaned at his comment. "Pilots are so unbelievable. That HAS to be your first thought after sex?" I grinned at him. "Of course I want to go flying with you."


	11. Epilogue

_AN: I apologize for this last chapter. It woke me up out of a dead sleep, literally crying, and I had to write it down._

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Epilogue

Jess flattened her hair against her head to keep the wind from blowing it into her eyes. She scanned the area, looking for her commander. They were evacuating D'Qar, and the Black Squadron had been given their clearance to go a while ago. She spotted a figure against a tree at the far end of the bluff. When she got close enough to see her search was over, her feet stopped moving and her breath caught in her throat. Sadness filled her as she took in the sight of the man sitting against the tree, his forehead pressed up against the smooth bark and his hand tenderly sliding down the trunk. A rock sat in front of the tree inscribed roughly with only the name "Cora". Poe had come to say goodbye, and it broke Jess's heart knowing what she had to do.

Jess made her way to them, and crouched on the other side of the tree. Poe looked up at her with red-rimmed eyes and defeat on his face. "I have to leave, but I can't take her with me," he said. "She's here, you know, in this tree. I planted it over her body. I can feel her force in it."

Jess looked at her friend and commander, the man she trusted with her life and leaned on his confidence to help her fly into battle. She saw so much despair and sadness in him she couldn't help her own tears from flowing down her cheeks. Reaching forward she gently touched the tree. "She knows you have to go Poe. You know she would understand, and D'Qar will take care of her." A solitary leaf floated down at that moment, landing on Poe. He rubbed it between his fingers, then tucked it inside his flight suit, and rearranged the ring hung on a chain around his neck. Standing up, he closed his eyes and touched his lips to the tiny tree. Jess stepped away, and when she was sure he was following her, she began walking back down the hill. Poe wiped his face on his sleeve, memorized the image of the tree reaching its branches toward the sun, and followed Jess.


End file.
